How Big of an Apple (L)User are you?

So there I was, standing in a seemingly interminable line for a glass of lemonade on Memorial Day weekend. Tensions were high, the line standers couldn't decide if there was one line or two lines and blows seemed imminent. No big deal usually, I'm all for a quick throw down and punching isn't a felony where I live, it is something that happens afer "Hi" and before "You're my best friend man!" "This day was an exception, I was at a renaissance festival and people were armed with various swords and maces. Not the best place to start swinging and hoping for the best.

Not wanting to get catch a flail to the noggin, I jumped out of line. My thirst left unslaked, I began wishing I could catapult various attendees over a battlement somewhere. The reaction is unsurprising, it is impossible to look at the costumed masses and not think: What the hell is wrong with you people?

You have to give the vendors a pass on this one. They are selling wooden swords, turkey legs, and lemonade all while raking in long green (though it is a safe bet most of them started out as mere attendees). The fans? With the fans the loathing comes easy. Their grasp of history is tenuous. While they imagine a time of Lords and Ladies they are mostly into the cool outfits, not into a realistic creation of the feudal system. And you can bet the moment the festival is over most of them will be back at their day jobs dreaming of a pair of new greaves as they cruise around in a black and white VW beetle.

I left the renaissance festival thinking that everyone in attendance was the lamer than a one legged puppy . The wasted money, the collective mental trip to a fantasyland that never existed all added up to more than a little black-hearted condescension filled pity for the truly enthused.

While I simultaneously chuckled at and loathed the anachronistic mass of humanity around me a disconcerting thought occurred. What if I was every bit as lame and as loserish as the washing well wench? I didn't seem possible but…

Cut to MacWorld Expo 2007. Having just got off the plane I'm waiting for Hadley (who refused to send his private plane to get me) to head to the hotel. The usual small talk ensues and naturally the focus is the keynote. We don't have passes, for our kind it is first come first serve. Hadley suggests that we meet in the hotel lobby at three in the morning to start waiting in line to see the keynote. At the time the plan seemed perfectly reasonable even wise. After all, most of the junkies surrounding our hotel would be passed out by then and we would probably squeak in. Post Macworld reflection reveals that getting up at three in the morning to wait in for a pitchman to pitch you something is a sign of over devotion.

Perhaps that was an isolated incident. Maybe I could blame the jet lag. A second example proves it wasn't a moment of travel induced bad judgment. The thing Steve announced at the Macworld I attended happened to be the iPhone. Since I used Verizon and had an unbreakable contract I was saddened that there was no way I'd be able to give Apple the $600 for the top of the line iPhone, the prospect was simply too expensive. Yet there I was, on a blistering hot day in June, waiting outside of an AT&T store to buy an iPhone. A phone I knew would be widely available within weeks if not days.

In the end, the difference between myself and the people who think they are speaking like folks in the renaissance turns out to be not the expense, not the devotion but the fetish. You can argue that Apple products are useful and you actually need them to get stuff done whereas the festival types are buying handcrafted swords just  look cool and you'll have a great argument. If you're buying a new Mac to do get more out of Final Cut you're not geeking out, you're getting things done. If you have an iPhone because you want e-mail access anywhere you happen to be, you really like email. If you bought an iPod Hi Fi and an AppleTV welcome to the land of "Whatever Steve sells I'm buying!" Somewhere in the matrix is the hazy cutoff between Apple User and Apple (L)User.

By this time you want to know if you’re an Apple (L)User* or an Apple User. Are you Apple obsessed or just someone who appreciates a fine product? The crack staff of Apple Matters has compiled a quiz to help you decide.

I own:

A) An iPod

B) An iPhone

C) A Mac

D) An iPod, an iPhone, and a Mac

E) A museum of Mac products

I get a new Mac when:

A) The old one starts smoking

B) The old mac becomes incompatible with programs I use

C) When it makes sense from a time/money perspective

D) Whenever Steve announces something marginally new.

E) When I need to complete the collection

I Like Apple products because:

A) they are easy to use

B) of the integration with other machines

C) the fit and finish is superior

D) they are sexy like me

E) I've got collection going on!

Microsoft should:

A) Make better stuff cheaper

B) Have more Mac programs

C) Stop being evil

D) Die in a fire

E) Give up on the desktop market

In the future:

A) OS X and Windows will be killed by Google

B) Apple will keep going but will remain a niche player in the computer market

C) Apple will grow in popularity but parity with Windows will not ensue

D) Apple will dominate the phone and media markets, the OS market will come much later

E) The cracks in the dam are already there, Apple to own the OS market by 2010

That was an easy quiz, now for the fun part: scoring the thing. Pass your paper to your neighbor and have them award one point for every A answer, two points for every B answer and so forth.

The key:

Less than 5 points: you're doing it wrong.

5-10 points: Hi Windows user!

11-15 points: You're an Apple user, not a fanatic

16-20 points: Apple stuff makes you happy. Steve Jobs' nickname for you is "profits."

21-24 points: Hi fellow Apple (L)User

25 points: You're Hadley Stern

The (L)User joke was stolen from Tom Sgouros, editor of The Big Book of Apple Hacks.